Taking care of myself doesn’t always come naturally to me. I have been thinking a lot lately of the times I gave in to other’s requests or demands and in the process I ended up abandoning myself and my own needs, not being fully aware at the time. I am not sure if it was totally motivated by people pleasing or a desire to be liked or more so that as a soft person I am often overpowered by those with a strong will, or have been in the past. Anyway what ever happened in the past are mistakes that I need to learn from and leave firmly in the past.
I am aware that one of the consequences of emotional neglect or abandonment in childhood is that we don’t learn to know our needs and wants and value those or even feel we have the right to have them. We didn’t have caretakers there who validated how we felt and what we needed. To be hurting in a family and to be told you are not hurting or making it up or being too sensitive is not excusable. It is emotional abuse. To be hurting and to be left alone with the hurt or confusion means that we don’t always learn positive ways to self soothe.
In the absence of care and empathy painful feelings grow as we are left alone with them they can then assume monstrous proportions. This is especially true, if as babies before we developed the capacity of language and to know what our sensations meant we were left alone with powerful sensations say of hunger and longing and did not have these mediated or soothed. It has been shown by psychotherapists such as Donald Kalsched that in such a situation painful sensations often become demonic inner figures and we develop all kinds of fears as life begins to feel unsafe. A strong protective influence steps into our psyche to protect us from danger and may make feeling safe in any new relationship very difficult. It may then begin to function to split us off from connection with those who may actually be safe. Such fear then begins to limit our lives.
If we have been emotionally neglected and are highly sensitive it is very important that we know this. Too often if we were emotionally neglected or sensitive we struggle feeling there is something wrong with us, the something wrong with us is that we were not helped to know who we are and what we feel is natural and right, painful feelings only grow when they are invalidated by caretakers, most especially if we are told that how we feel and how we relate is wrong.
If you are highly sensitive it is so important to find others who are like you and who understand. I am passionate about promoting an awareness of emotional neglect and high sensitivity in my blog. We need a loving mother and father if we are to stay healthy on all levels in this world. If our actual mothers and fathers were not loving and affirming then that creates a wound and a vortex into which we can fall, an empty well or pit of longing and need that we then transfer onto other relationships. The new relationship may be with someone who has a mother or father wound themselves and rejects us in similar ways. My own wound of mothering and fathering has really only been helped by my current therapist. I found other therapists often failed me emotionally. At the time it felt wrong and I was upset but did not fully understand why.
Now I know that if there is a discordant note in a relationship it often means I am being invalidated in some way. The key work then is to validate myself in the way I need to be validated and to set my appropriate boundary. I now need to be the loving parent I never had in the past to myself I need those around me who are understanding and emotionally sensitive themselves. Looking for these kind of relationships is about self care for me now.
I know now that for so many years I had to cope alone with horrible burdens that were really too much for me. At this time of year the trauma memories and pain is there below the surface which is why at this time of year I need to take good care of myself. At times it can feel lonely to cope alone but I know that it is important to be my own best friend. I need to listen to my heart and tune into what is good for me. In the absence of care and love at times I can push myself and be a hard taskmaster. There is a difference between positive self discipline and riding myself too hard because I may be feeling uncomfortable or angry inside about something. I am aware that my inner child and inner self lives deeply inside my gut, digestive upsets are a sign something ‘off’ may be going on. I may be being forced to digest something that is not good for me on a metaphorical level. I need to tune into my tummy when I am distressed to find out what is going on, just as I need to tune into my heart on any day to see if certain things sit right with me. My gut and my heart need to be in alignment with my throat and my head too. When I can speak up from my gut or heart to say this doesn’t feel good, or please could you help me, I need, things are better for me. I learned so many years ago to silence the request for love and help and so I strangled on those words, having to cope too much alone and stay silent. That is not good for me. I need to speak my emotional truth in a kind way when I can do this, when I can honestly own my emotional truth I feel a lot better and go a long way forward with self care, self protection, self love.
desirechange 